I am a psychotherapist who has spent many years working with couples struggling to communicate. But few have been more memorable and eye-opening than the long-distance relationship of Elena and Sarah, a lesbian couple who – years after meeting – were each finding it far too difficult to make their relationship work in two different countries. Their story is just as much about their love for one another as it is about the transformative power of communication and trust-building.
In this article, I will walk you through Elena and Sarah’s journey, from the tipping point of divorce to a tighter human knot. I will describe what is unique about the experience of being a long-distance couple, the communication break-ups that brought their relationship to the brink of divorce, and lastly, the therapeutic strategy that helped draw them back together and make them a stronger couple. If you happen to be in a long-distance relationship or simply are interested in increasing the effectiveness of your next this story might provide insight
The Beginning: Love Across Miles
Like many relationships these days, Elena and Sarah met online: a 28-year-old graphic designer from New York City found a 30-year-old wildlife photographer from Alaska and recently declared: ‘I love your work.’ Elena Hudson had caught sight of Sarah Rearick’s photography blog. She thought Rearick’s images were gorgeous – and she loved her wry comments and commentary on her pictures. Rearick, from Alaska, was immediately charmed by Hudson’s tart-tongued looks and insights into her photographs. ‘The way she interacted with my blog was exactly what I wanted,’ Hudson said. Both Hudson and Rearick are professional photographers, although Rearick prefers to be called a biologist who photographs wildlife, not a photographer.
Their internet dating soon evolved to daily phone video-calls, text messages and shared dreams. They fell for each other across 4,000 miles. Six months of virtual dating led to a date in person. The first time Karl met Doris in Seattle he knew that everything was exactly as he’d felt it would be, that this was love.
Buoyed by a certain sense of magical thinking and drunk on the ‘electricity’ of their bond, Elena and Sarah entered into a long-distance relationship, determined that nothing, not even geography or time zones, could keep them apart.
The Honeymoon Phase: Riding the Wave of Optimism
At least at first. Elena and Sarah’s first months together were wonderful. They communicated on a steady schedule: good morning texts, lunch-break calls, hours-long video chats in the evenings. They talked about everything, cried together, cheered one another up, and sympathised with each other’s struggles and enjoyments. Sure, being sent so far apart could only strengthen their affection.
They even made time for socially distanced sex (sometimes long-distance date nights, when the two women tried cooking the same meal in their kitchens while video chatting). ‘We are beating the odds,’ Elena said one morning. ‘The world told us that this wouldn’t work but it does.’ ‘We’re defectors from the real world,’ Sarah gushed.
Yet, as a therapist working with couples, I’ve found that this honeymoon phase of long-distance relationships often betrays tensions below the surface. In that cocktail of new romance and future promise, prolonged physical separation can spark an euphoria that obscures the practical realities of relationships hundreds or thousands of miles apart.
The Cracks Begin to Show: Communication Breakdowns
Six months into their long-distance relationship, Elena and Sarah first faced what could be described as the first actual challenges to their relationship. The initial novelty was gone, and the hot-off-the-press feelings were bleached by the realities of the attitude that most humans develop toward the repetitiveness of daily existence. That’s when they contacted me for guidance.
In our initial session, several key issues came to light:
Mismatched expectations: Expressive people such as Elena assumed a much higher flow of communication throughout the day, whereas theatchy types such as Sarah, who got caught up in their work, would go many hours without checking their phone. This left expressive people such as Elena feeling neglected and, as a result, atchy people such as Sarah feeling pressured.
Problems around time zones: Our time difference – four hours – made it hard to find times that worked for both of us. I had conversations with Elena many times where I could see she was ready to talk and I clearly needed to end the session as it was approaching midnight. We would glaze over, I’d type the word ‘goodnight’, and add a quick ‘love you’ at the end.
Distorted messages: Texts, the medium they used to try to communicate on busy workdays, led to a ton of confusion. Without the tone and body language of a face-to-face conversation, comments that were meant to be lighthearted were taken to be insulting, and wasted hours arguing about those misunderstandings followed.
Jealousy and Insecurity: As they started spending more time apart, Elena began feeling jealous of Sarah’s work with the gorgeous models of photoshoots and Sarah started feeling insecure about Elena’s social life in New York.
Lack of Physical Intimacy: They had managed to carry the emotional intimacy over the distance but the lack of physical intimacy was starting to become a real barrier to their relationship. Neither of them was finding any easy ways to provide emotional support and affection to each other, and to maintain the romance in the relationship across the distance.
All these things eventually came to a head in a tremendously angry argument, and the following morning Elena and Sarah weren’t sure if their relationship was salvageable. They decided to get serious about therapy.
The Therapy Process: Rebuilding Communication and Trust
Over the course of our therapy sessions, it was apparent that it wasn’t spatial distance itself, but the way that they were handling it that was the real source of their problem. The physical separation had amplified communication problems that might have been more manageable in a more typical relationship. Our treatment focused on three primary issues.
Effective Communication Strategies
We started by implementing a technique I call “Mindful Messaging.” This involved:
Pausing before sending emotionally charged messages
Re-reading messages from a neutral perspective before responding
Using voice messages for complex topics to convey tone
Developing a ‘code word’ to indicate when a conversation must shift to voice over text
We had also done some work on active listening; each partner rephrased the other’s concerns in a way that represented their own words and feelings. In these exercises – and virtually together – each woman had felt heard by the therapist and the partner even at a distance.
Expectation Management
Elena and Sarah had to get their heads and their hearts around the realities of what actually had happened. We addressed:
Creating a flexible communication schedule that respected both their needs
Setting realistic goals for contact frequency
Establishing “quiet hours” where they could focus on work without feeling guilty
Planning regular virtual date nights to maintain romance
Building Trust and Security
To address the underlying insecurities, we focused on:
Practicing daily affirmations of love and commitment
Sharing detailed accounts of their days to promote transparency
Involving each other in decision-making processes, even for small matters
Planning future visits and long-term goals to reinforce their commitment
The Turning Point: Embracing Vulnerability
It wasn’t until around two months into the therapy that Elena and Sarah had what I like to call their ‘crazy breakthrough’ moment. In one particularly intense session, after another, Elena confessed how terrified she was that someday Sarah was going to get bored of the long-distance situation and leave her for a girl in New York City or LA who was more easily accessible. The dam broke.
Sarah simultaneously shared the shame of feeling bored and tired, and no longer feeling ‘exciting enough’ to compete with New York’s exciting world of quick dates for Elena to want to stay around for her. This shared moment of psychologically undefended communication opened the gate to greater intimacy and more effective treatment.
Through mutual and the deepest kind of vulner Sarah started repairing their see that much of what unvoiced fears, not problems in their relationship. They began to handle their discussions much more empathically, and with a lot more patience.
Implementing Change: Practical Steps to Stronger Communication
With this open and vulnerable foundation, Elena and Sarah were ready to move to the application phase, by delving into practical changes to their own daily interactions. We targeted a few key areas:
Digital Date Nights: They instituted a once-weekly ‘premium’ date night where they would cook together online, visit a museum virtually, or check out a new movie together – something that maintained their shared experience against the distance.
Surprise Packages: They started sending each other surprise care packages and letters or notes written by hand – things that connected them physically and emotionally, across the miles. They also started sending food to each other’s houses via delivery.
Future planning: They set up a shared agenda-keeping document in which they typed ideas for future trips, down-the-road goals, and even cities in which they day. This reaff.
Conflict Resolution Protocol: We developed a step-by-step protocol for addressing conflicts, which included:
Acknowledging the emotion without blaming
Expressing needs clearly and concisely
Proposing solutions and compromises
Setting a specific time to revisit unresolved issues
Technology Limits: they agreed on times when they’d be ‘face-to-face’, putting devices and other distractions away during video calls. This gave their interactions a boost.
Individual Development: Because they understood personal growth to be conducive to as well as the main priority of the relationship, they were each other’s champions for engaging in hobbies, friendships and career ambitions.
The Results: A Stronger, More Resilient Relationship
By the end of six months of therapy and hard work, during which Elena also underwent psychodynamic psychotherapy with additional sessions a month, her relationship with Sarah had been radically transformed. The intensity of their spats dropped by at least 50 per cent, and the moments of tension, when they did arise, were dealt with in a way which was previously impossible for them.
Most importantly, they said they felt more secure in their relationship than ever before. The distance was still anxiety-provoking, but they managed it as a team, and only grew closer as a result.
‘I never thought I’d say this,’ said Elena to climb Everest a had to work so hard each other better than half every day.
As Sarah told me: ‘Stuff we’ve really been working on in couples therapy has actually helped my friendships, my family, everything. I think I’m going to be a better partner, friend, and colleague.’
Conclusion: Lessons for All Relationships
While Elena and Sarah’s story is unique because it is about a long-distance relationship, their takeaways apply to all relationship – the skill of communication is essential, as well as the ability to build trust, and to be vulnerable.
The principles work for every relationship, whether nobody knows you’re together or everyone does, whether you’re separated by seas or sleeping in the next room. Here are our five biggest takeaways for imbib Sarah effect: Always ask do you wish I would about me don’t any relationship is to become integrated person. But happiness ability. So take a page from Elena’s playbook: ‘Maybe it isn’t all bad … surprise is useful.’ Instead of realizing you have wasted your life once it’s too late, struggle to find meaning in your era of disruption before it’s over. We already spend too much time pitting happiness against other values, asking which we should prioritise. Why not consider what Ross and Ellen broke up – their engagement – as the gain that comes from our losses? Then, you’ll recognise when you’re falling for the illusion of a perfect choice: grab the imperfect relationship you already have, and infuse it with what you want. Any relationship that nurtures your own mind, inspires you to new possibilities, helps you manage your anxieties, and makes you feel more complete is better than starting everything all over again.
Prioritize clear, honest communication
Don’t assume – ask for clarification
Make time for quality interactions, free from distractions
Express vulnerability and share your fears
Work together towards shared goals
Celebrate your partner’s individual growth
Be creative in showing affection and maintaining romance
Address conflicts promptly and constructively
Regularly express gratitude and appreciation
Seek professional help when needed – it’s a sign of strength, not weakness
Elena and Sarah’s story demonstrates that a love that manages to endure and withstand all opposition is neither an exception nor a rare fluke, but rather a testament to hard work, dedication, and a willingness to talk things out. you are talking to – your boyfriend, your wife, your husband, your partner, your partner – the hard work needs to be the same; it might have slightly different explainers, but the how is always the same. A good love story always has its share of ups and downs; it is never easy, and it most certainly is not just effortless. It is about doing your work, and it’s about understanding that people never cease to change, evolve, learn and grow. Gutiérrez-Maldonado and Migueis’s commitment is a testament to the fact that love overcomes all opposition. As Alexis answers the door to greet us, she seems like she needs a hug. ‘People are often only as happy as their saddest friend,’ she said. And sometimes, maybe that’s true.
Working with couples throughout most of my career as a psychotherapist, I’ve come to believe that the healthiest ones are not those without challenges, but those their challenges shoulder to shoulder Elena and Sarah’s story is one of millions that hold hope and teach us lessons in the messy, beautiful art of love.