I am a psychotherapist with 30 years of experience and over those years, I have had the honour to be invited into the hardest and most rewarding work of couples’ lives, helping them work through the transition to parenthood, of which there are many. But possibly the most difficult couple for whom I have worked are Carlos and Nina, whom I invite you to meet. Nina and Carlos came to me seeking couple’s counselling after two and a half years of trying to conceive their second baby with no success.
The Expectant Couple
When Carlos and Nina entered my office that chilly October morning, beams of late-morning sunshine bouncing off the building’s green copper roof, they wore the superficial expressions of anticipation and trepidation that couples bring to their first marital therapy session. They were both in their early 30s and had been married for three years. Nina, six and a half months pregnant with their first child, looked like a latter-day Mona Lisa — as only a mother-to-be can — while Carlos towered over her, wide-shouldered and seemingly protector-like, if a tad daunted by his upcoming role of a father.
When Carlos and Nina and I got down to working together for the first time, it turned out that lurking behind their seemingly upbeat personas was, as with many couples at this time in life, a tangle of issues and complications. With the imminent arrival of a new child, as with most such couples, they were fraught with the magnitude and meaning of the impending life-altering situation.
The Roots of Conflict
Over the weeks, it became clear what laid at the heart of their conflict: parenting styles and expectations. As a child, Carlos was raised in a traditional Hispanic household that focused on discipline and practice. He believed that children should learn the value of boundaries and respect from an early age. Nina, however, was raised in a more permissive household, prizing emotional flexibility and individual freedom.
Their different backgrounds set the stage for passionate arguments on the proper way to parent, with a rigid bedtime schedule versus more laissez-faire, disciplinary punishment versus distinguishing yelling from discipline, what values to emphasise.
The Emotional Landscape
Beneath those practical worries lurked deeper emotional undertows: Carlos was thrilled about welcoming a child into the world. But inspiration coexisted with anxiety: would he feel able to provide and protect for this growing family? His own father was an austere, remote figure, and Carlos worried that he might be repeating the pattern.
Nina was happy with the pregnancy, but afraid of her body transforming and the new weight of responsibility. She became enveloped in worry over whether she would be forgotten and the relationship with Carlos would end.
These silent fears and insecurities fed the arguments, making what should have been a time of elation and anticipation turn into one of stress and tension.
The Therapeutic Journey
But there was more to helping Carlos and Nina get past their conflicts than just taking note of the bullets. Here are some of the things we did.
1) Reach agreements Be firm, supportive and specific when intervening. Examples: ‘Each week, you need to come with a list of what you will spend three hours a day doing. Here is your list.’ ‘You have committed to giving Nina details about your daily activities. Here is a list of the issues (sex, whereabouts, etc) each one of you brought up today, as well as responses for all of them. You are both required to discuss your reactions to this list.’
2) Evaluate the homework Giving clients specific homework makes them work harder in therapy and get better quicker. Illness is a powerful force, and almost no one works, studies or sees others without some form of anxiety or depression. For every point of improvement we try to make (a family member’s spirits elevated, a child whose back pain has vanished, a person who can now work at a restaurant), setbacks are always just around the corner.
3) Disarm thrown stones Here is an example of a stone-throwing incident and a response: Carlos: I never thought I was as bad as you or as bad for you as you think. Why do I have to accept that I am mentally ill and actually talk to a psychologist?Nina: Nothing I can say or do will ever make you get better or be healthy again. It just won’t happen.
4) Determine which basic rule was not followed Here are some questions to aid in this process: ‘Have either one of you kept your promise?’ ‘Which promise has not been honoured?’ ‘Would you accept the same type of promises/request from me that you made to each other?
Open Communication
First off, I created an emotional safety zone and invited them to brainstorm their fears and expectations related to the shift. I pointed out the importance of active listening, where one individual should feel heard without judgment or interruption.
This process provided some surprising revelations – Nina found out that Carlos’s demands for regimentation were perhaps so forceful because, deep down, he had a desire to be a better father to his daughter than his own had ever been to him. Carlos discovered that Nina’s insistence on emotional freedom was rooted in her own upbringing, which had left her feeling restricted and unheard as a child.
Exploring Family of Origin
We went over their family histories, so that Carlos and Nina could understand the role their own family experiences played in shaping their beliefs about parenting – one of them coming from a family that put the child on a pedestal, while the other came from one where the child was seen as a source of pride. Nina came to better grasp her own fears of being harsh. And Carlos realised his fear of being soft. They both learned to let go of rigid rules that no longer helped them, which allowed them to begin creating a new, shared vision of family.
*Education on Child Development
So I gave Carlos and Nina some information about stages of child development, and about the wide range of parenting styles possible, to help them choose a style that sits somewhere between the hyper-structured and super-laid-back extremes.
Role-Playing Exercises
We employ role-playing: Carlos and Nina learn to prepare for actual parenting episodes through little skits of them pretending they were having one. ‘You’re going to school and I don’t want you to,’ ‘You want to go to sleep now and I don’t want you to,’ something along those lines. So they can start rehearsing how to handle it. They’ve stepped on this path together – and yet they need to come up with a way to convince the child they’re one person. They need to learn to respect each other’s approaches.
Mindfulness and Stress Reduction
Also, since both Carlos and Nina experienced some degree of underlying anxiety, I introduced restraining techniques and strategies for stress reduction. By utilising these tools (mindfulness) to stay in the present moment, each remained connected with one another, and themselves, as they managed the shifting dynamics of their relationship.
Breakthroughs and Growth
With time, Carlos and Nina blossomed as clients. Things came to a head during one session, when they began talking through discipline, and Carlos revisited his upbringing: ‘I don’t want our kid to fear me the way I feared my dad, but I want them to respect authority.
Nina, relieved, replied: ‘Neither my mother nor my father wanted me to feel lost and helpless. Maybe we can work something out – to be firm but loving?’
This exchange shifted something for both Carlos and Nina. Their differences started to feel less like impediments and more like complementary strengths, forming the basis for a healthy, balanced approach to parenting.
Preparing for Change
Closer to the due date, our sessions were full of activities to gain clarity for dealing with the practical and emotional shifts. ‘Let’s see what we have in mind…
Maintaining Couple Connection
I urged they continue to foster their relationship with one another over and above everything else, and we came up with solutions for doing just that in the midst of new parenthood – from regular date nights, to mini phone calls and texts every single day.
Division of Responsibilities
Carlos and Nina, on the other hand, created a basic agreement on the division of child-rearing and household chores that they both thought would probably change slightly once the baby was born.
Building a Support Network
We created lists of friends and family and community resources who might be able to help us out in the difficult early months of infant care.
Self-Care Strategies
I encouraged him to care for himself and reminded her that, if she were to do so, then she’d be able to be a more responsive parent and partner.
Flexibility and Adaptability
Above all, we talked about flexibility. No amount of planning could prepare me for the exhausting reality of having a baby, and I would certainly need to learn to bend.
The Arrival of Baby Sophia
Two months after our last coaching session, Carlos and Nina sent me an email full of joy, announcing that their daughter had just been born, her name Sophia. There was a photo of the parents with the tiniest, most beautiful bundle in the world.
Over the course of the next several weeks, I reached out a handful of times by phone to check in with the new parents. Though they were, to be sure, in a state of extreme exhaustion, together they shared a new cadence in their voices. They talked about taking turns with the night feedings. About Carlos singing Spanish lullabies. About Nina’s skill with the long-term memory of Sophia’s cries.
“We’re not perfect,” Nina admitted during one call, “but we’re figuring it out together.”
He added: ‘We still argue sometimes, like the other day she wanted the mum to get angry at the little girl in the fairy tale. But then I reminded her that in our Principles she had said that parents in Brave Rabbit have to stay happy. Then she just thought for a moment, and said: “OK Sra Carlos, yes, you’re right, I have to draw the evil lupa looking scared and sad, not angry and worried.” So of course I was very happy.’ ‘Now,’ he said proudly, ‘we are a team.’
Lessons for Expectant Parents
Carlos and Nina’s journey offers valuable insights for all couples preparing for parenthood:
Keep the line of communication open; tackling challenging issues firmly and honestly, with respect, is always important and it’s essential in helping you to serve as capable and confident co-parents.
Know your heritage: reflect on how your own origins shaped your parenting visions This can help you make informed decisions about the parent you want to be.
Educate yourself: know and understand child development and various parenting styles. This can help you base your choices on facts. 3. Meet in the middle.
Practice Empathy: Sometimes, what appears to be shaping up as a conflict about parenting actually reflects underlying emotions or experiences.
Be Bendy: After all, every parenting plan is like a Theory of Everything, a complex set of equations that cannot foresee contact with a live baby, and will certainly survive it in need of accommodations. Be prepared for the million ways your pre‑baby ideas will need to morph when you get to know your actual circumstances.
Keep that relationship ticking: cast one successful relationship (you and your partner) and you have a recipe for a happy family.
Make Sure to Take Care of Yourselves: Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s self-sustaining. You’ll be a better parent when you’re rested and emotionally centred.
5) Get Support: If you need help with being there for your children by way of family or friends or a professional, there is nothing wrong with it. Raising children takes a village.
Reflections on the Therapeutic Process
Therapists like me, listening to cases such as Carlos and Nina’s, are reminded just how much our early experiences shape our attitude to parenthood, and how therapeutic work is able to transform that attitude.
Without these open and honest conversations, it’s unlikely Carlos and Nina could have resolved their immediate conflicts, much less develop greater insight into each other and themselves as parents. Now they have communication skills and emotional intelligence they’ll all be able to use long after the newborn phase.
Besides, their story emphasises how much easier things should go after baby has shown up if you get as much of the parenting conflict out of the way as early as possible.
Conclusion: The Ongoing Journey of Parenthood
But parenthood is a process, a marathon, an ongoing, never-ending experience of ups and downs, sleepless nights, and bumpy rides. Their story with Carlos and Nina is only the beginning: as Sophia grows, her developmental milestones, individual traits, and emerging personality characteristics will create new challenges and raise new questions for Carlos and Nina. But they now have some tools in hand, and a shared frame of reference.
For the parents-to-be out there reading this, while it might be normal for you to have conflicts and fears about making the transition from two to three, it is also normal for you to not want to handle these difficulties alone. The best advice for the road ahead is actually that simplest one: together, from open heart to open heart and open mind, you must meet the road.
You can make yourself vulnerable by embarking on therapy, education and conversations – even blunt ones with yourself and your partner – to iron out your differences in advance. That investment in the health of your relationship will almost certainly prove valuable in your life as parents. Your child will always be best served by a healthy and happy family.
Good luck. Be nice to yourselves and each other. Enjoy the highs, and manage the lows. And remember: you are parenting – together.