I am a psychotherapist with more than two decades of experience. The privilege of being a therapist has afforded me the opportunity to help hundreds of people’s inner and outer lights shine more brightly, and to hone the skills required for alchemical transformation. In the story that I share below, I will present a common struggle of an introverts’ work lives, and then describe how the sum of the alchemy fits together. How therapy helped one client to take her life, and her career, back in hand. An introverted engineer, Megan, was on the verge of being promoted to director of her company’s technical division. She was affable and fun, but she would lose sleep at nights and found it increasingly difficult to fall asleep. Something was amiss, and it was beginning to show up at work. She started feeling distracted, and on the days when she didn’t have enough sleep, she was ‘hanging on for dear life’ as she put it. She was barely able to speak up in team meetings, a core function of her role as head of a large group of engineers and scientists. She worried for the first time that she might lose her job.
The Initial Consultation: Meeting Megan
The body language alone told me a story as Megan walked into my office for the first time. She was hunched slightly, her eyes darting uncomfortably, she was tense and timid. As soon as we got started, she told me her story.
‘I’ve just had a promotion and I’ve been put in charge of a team of engineers,’ Megan whispered. ‘I should be so happy, but I’m scared. I’m okay at my job, but leading people? I’m an introvert. I work best alone. How can I be a good leader?’
Megan is by no means unique in her concerns. Many introverts struggle with becoming first-time leaders. Her dilemma made for a compelling opportunity to examine personality, professional development and leadership.
Understanding Megan’s Challenges
As we delved deeper into Megan’s experiences and concerns, several key issues emerged:
Imposter Syndrome: Megan doubted her abilities and felt she didn’t deserve the promotion.
Introversion vs. Leadership: She believed her introverted nature was incompatible with effective leadership.
She felt paralysed by an Anxiety perception of Communication. The very idea of addressing a team or presenting to her bosses made her ‘heart race’ and her palms sweat.
Megan’s dilemma was whether, if she took on the new role, she’d end up not having time for her self-care and charging the batteries. Is her new role going to make her feel: Overwhelmed? Trapped? Unmotivated? Worthless? • Asked to do double duty and compromise both work and parenting? Megan worried: What about me? What do I do then? Where will I get the energy? Where will I get this energy? I mean, it is exhausting now, and I feel like I can’t really take care of myself and charge up.
Team Dynamics: She worried about managing different personalities and potential conflicts within her team.
As such, these challenges were not insurmountable. With proper preparation and tools, Megan could clearly ascend to her new job and become a thriving leader.
The Therapy Journey: Tailoring Strategies for Megan
Megan and I worked on each one of her concerns in depth over the course of multiple months. Here’s how we approached it. Me: ‘You kept thinking: “Who am I to do that again? I was so stupid to get caught up in the romance.”’ Her: ‘Who was I to do it? I was just this small, skinny no-one. You know? So stupid, sucking on a guy’s toes. It was crazy. I don’t know what I was doing.’ Me: ‘And then you kept calling yourself names: “you little slut”, “bad, bad girl” and “freak”.’ Her: ‘And “why are you such a loser?” It was only hurt and rage. Me: “How did it affect you each time you shamed yourself?” You must have felt torn inside out. Her: “Well, it was that way; I felt so shy.” It had to be that way because I was such a loser. I couldn’t accept the good things that happened to me.’ Me: ‘So you reinforced what you were feeling; you said: “you little slut again”, “bad, bad girl”, “why are you such a loser,” and “freak”. That’s what you told yourself, is that it?’ Her: ‘Uh huh.’
Addressing Imposter Syndrome
To counteract Megan’s self-doubt, we used cognitive-behavioral strategies to help her identify and challenge her negative self-talk. We zeroed in on:
Recognizing her achievements and strengths
Reframing “failures” as learning opportunities
Developing a growth mindset
Most helpful was to keep a ‘success journal’. She detailed all that she managed to achieve in the course of a day, however small. This helped to foster a realistic view of what she could do, and to identify the things she was able to contribute.
Redefining Leadership for Introverts
One of our key duties was setting the record straight on the assumption that only extroverts can be effective leaders. We zeroed in on the special strengths introverts bring to leadership, including:
Deep listening skills
Thoughtful decision-making
Ability to form meaningful one-on-one connections
We compared legendary introverted leaders such as Bill Gates and Marissa Mayer, and talked about why their styles of introversion also helped them to excel.
Enhancing Communication Skills
To help incubate Megan’s fragile confidence in her social presentation and team-working skills, we supported her with an eclectic mix of methods:
Practicing mindfulness techniques to manage anxiety
Role-playing various communication scenarios
Developing a personal communication style that felt authentic to Megan
We also worked on non-verbal communication: to help Megan exude more confidence, I taught her how to stand straight and speak with a more authoritative tone.
Establishing Work-Life Balance
With that in mind, we proactively planned a self-care regimen to help Megan maintain her energy and guard against burnout:
Implementing “quiet hours” in her schedule for focused work
Establishing clear boundaries between work and personal time
Integrating regular physical exercise and meditation into her routine
Navigating Team Dynamics
To prepare Megan for managing diverse personalities, we focused on:
Developing emotional intelligence
Learning conflict resolution techniques
Recognising various communication modalities and learning how to adjust to them
The second was that he developed a focus on ‘servant leadership’ that felt natural to Megan’s existing inclination to support and nurture others.
Breakthrough Moments: Megan’s Growth
As our sessions progressed, I witnessed remarkable changes in Megan. Key breakthrough moments included:
The First Team Meeting
Megan walked into her session smiling. ‘I did it,’ she told me. ‘I ran my first team meeting, and – I know this isn’t impressive – but it actually went okay.’ We worked through that meeting together, recognising what she did that was great and what could be better in the future. Be it leading a small team or facing up to parents at a night-school zombie film, this first gradual step towards getting over her fear created a confidence snowball.
Handling Conflict
Two weeks later, she managed to mediate a conflict between two other team members over voice volume in meeting recordings using the guidelines we’d practised, ending with both parties agreeing to the solution proposed. Megan had discovered that she was capable of handling difficult interpersonal situations on the spot.
Presenting to Upper Management
Although presenting her team’s deliverables to senior leaders was one of Megan’s greatest fears at the beginning, she eventually began to enjoy the experience: [After a presentation where I we went through a timeline of our improvements]… People were impressed, so it felt good. I felt like I was on top of it, and I was good at what I was presenting. That was really gratifying to me, because I’d been in a lot of circumstances when I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’m sitting there, and I’m so scared – like this is stupid! You’re presenting to a bunch of people and you don’t even know what you’re talking about? This is stupid! But I actually enjoyed [that presentation]. I felt like I was prepared, and I knew my stuff. It wasn’t quite as terrifying as I had anticipated.
Embracing Her Introverted Leadership Style
Perhaps the most important step she took was to realise that she could be an effective leader even though she remained an introvert, and that she could use her strengths in order to do that – working one-on-one with team members on projects or challenges; creating safe spaces for asking questions; learning to ask questions herself; always keeping a spirit of diversity input alive; making use of those observation skills, too.
The Results: Megan’s Transformation
By the time our therapy ended, the person sitting across from me was quite different from the nervously self-deprecating engineer I’d met at the beginning of our year together. Her team’s productivity had shot up. She’d received praise from subordinates and superiors alike.
Most importantly, Megan had found a meaningful sense of balance in her role. She no longer saw her introversion as a burden, but as a distinctive asset that underpinned her leadership style.
Lessons for Other Introverted Leaders
Megan’s journey offers valuable insights for other introverts stepping into leadership roles:
Own Your Quiet: Your quiet power can be great leadership strengths. Own them.
Be Genuine: Find out how to communicate that feels authentic for you. Don’t have to imitate an extroverted style to be good at it.
Take Care of Yourself: Give yourself permission for some quiet time to recharge your batteries. Put it in your appointment book before you are squeezed dry.
Test Your Assumptions: Most ideas about leadership are based on myths. Question them. Choose your own!
Get Help: Whether in psychotherapy, a mentor relationship or through a peer group, don’t be afraid to reach out for assistance when needed.
The Power of Therapy in Professional Growth
Receiving therapy helped Megan better fit into her professional environment, which illustrates the enormous impact therapy can have on one’s professional development. Because individuals often associate therapy with personal issues, we continue to overlook one of its most valuable benefits: it could be crucial in helping us cope with career setbacks that are particularly threatening because they relate to core issues ingrained in our personality our fundamental beliefs about the world.
For Megan, the time and space of therapy provided a safe space for her to examine her fears, challenge her assumptions and learn practical skills that helped her feel effective in a job that had, prior to therapy, felt both harrowing and rife with great potential for fulfillment. She and I ended our work together as friends – where she felt free to ‘be herself’, to embrace her introverted nature and thrive in her leadership role. She felt like a success, both in her career and in her life.
Conclusion: Embracing Your Unique Leadership Style
But there is no singular model of leadership, and not all stories end like Megan’s. Yet hers does point to a timeless characteristic of great leadership: it starts with a sense of ‘who you are’ and, as you help others grow, it enables these gifts to mature and blossom.
And for all introverted Megans out there wondering if introversion renders them unfit to lead, remember: your introversion is no barrier to leadership – it is part of what makes you exceptional. Own it, nurture it, and follow your own path to success.
Observing changes such as Megan’s is ultimately one of the most gratifying aspects of my job as a psychotherapist. It affirms my faith in the capacity of human nature to bounce back from adversity, and in the ability of carefully directed, individually tailored psychotherapy to unleash our natural resources.
Whether you are an introvert thrust into leadership, or facing any other professional challenge you see as ‘against’ your personality, know that support is available. With the right help and yours is the commitment to grow, you too can overcome what stands between you and the person you’re meant to be, reaching and living as a fully realized professional.
‘When I came in here, I didn’t think I’d ever be a leader. And I definitely thought that if I was a leader, I couldn’t also be me. Now I can’t imagine being anything else. And the neat thing is, I’m still me – me, only better.’- Megan, recalled in our final session.
And is that not, ultimately, what we are aiming for in both therapy and leadership – to be the best of everything we can be, in service of others and for our own becoming?