As a psychotherapist who has spent 20 years treating post-college relationships, I’ve seen the throes of romance, as well as the struggles that occur as couples fight for greater trust and closeness… or simply call it quits. Here, I want to share with you the story of a couple following the latter path: of two young lovers who threw caution to the wind in high school and are now trying to make sense of the seemingly irreconcilable tenets of their worldview, after they were shattered amid post-college opposition. Let me introduce Aiden and Zoe, boyfriend and girlfriend from high school who are trying to navigate troubled waters during post-college separation.
The Early Years: A Fairytale Beginning
Aiden and Zoe’s love story started just like most: down the halls of their local high school. They first began dating when they were juniors. The two of them had similar tastes in music, and a mutual friend was throwing a massive party, but beyond the common referral they fell right into step with one another. Their bond was instant and compelling. The entirety of their senior year spent closed in, like twins, standing alongside each other, submitting college applications, attending prom, graduating together.
They resolved to go to the same big city for college, thereby preserving both their relationship and their relative autonomy as college students. For four admittedly remarkable years, they appeared to manage it all in sync – the studies, the parties, the boyfriend-girlfriend juggling act – like the happy envy du jour of their college students and recent college graduates.
The Post-Graduation Reality Check
Finally, something snapped in their relationship. A few months after graduation, Aiden, who wanted to move to LA to become a musician, and Zoe, who had accepted a coveted job at a law firm in their hometown, finally agreed to get married.
This distinct shift in life goals generated a friction they had not felt before. The two fought more often, with many of their arguments about small things that served as a veil for their deeper disagreement. It was at this time that they entered couples therapy.
The First Therapy Session: Uncovering the Issues
The tension between Aiden and Zoe was palpable when they first walked into my office. Their body language was closed and their demeanour defensive, as they sat across the couch from each other. As we entered into a dialogue, it became clear that the arguments of the present day were symptomatic of a deeper issue: they were changing in ways that induced a sense of incompatibility and they were perplexed about how they could pursue their separate dreams while still remaining together.
Zoe told us she felt one way but was being held back the other: ‘If I don’t take this job, I’ll end up resenting Aiden in 10 years when I have a good career but never had kids.’ It wasn’t just Zoe who felt guilty: Aidan felt that he wanted to continue his career in music, but that this might mean leaving Zoe behind.
The Importance of Open Communication
Initially, all our sessions were aimed at improving communication. I encouraged them to try active listening: not just hearing, per se, but actively listening, that is, focusing on what the other person was saying without automatically planning how to reply or defend themselves.
We also rehearsed the practice of sharing needs and fears without blame and judgment. It became clearest in Aiden’s wish that he could pursue his love of music without the burden of regret if they were to one day split up. Much to my surprise, I learned that the key to preserving the connection was increasing my comfort with separation. And this resulted in better moments together. Zoe’s need for her career was juxtaposed with her fear about the uncertainty of a cross-country relationship.
Exploring Individual Identities
Over the course of our sessions together, Zoe and Aiden started to reflect together on the need to maintain separate identities in a relationship. Often, after sharing a life together since their teens, their identities had become very fused. This meant that they now needed to rediscover who they were as individuals as they moved apart.
I urged them to disentangle themselves so that they could pursue independent interests and interests in one another; this separation anxiety was initially difficult for them, but it helped them to better define their own interests and cherished values.
The Challenges of Long-Distance Relationships
Being from different walks of life, we discussed how a long-distance relationship might work for us while he pursues training as a mental health counsellor in California and I stay in New York. We talked about the pros and cons, what kind of distance might work, potential issues and pitfalls, gathering information, and a few strategies for keeping intimacy alive even over thousands of miles.
I quoted statistics about long-distance relationships, both reassuring and cautionary. While many couples successfully persevered through this challenge, the likelihood of success is higher if that couple also happens to have unwavering commitment, ironclad trust, and professional levels of communication skill. We practiced those skills, to build them up for them, preparing them to succeed if they find themselves living too far apart.
Redefining Relationship Expectations
A key part of our therapy was to relook at what success looked like for Aiden and Zoe. They’d always pictured marriage, a home together, kids: now that was off the table for them.
I talked about how relationships can come in many different forms, and that no one way is necessarily better than the others. When we reshaped their expectations, when they saw that their relationship could be successful without looking a certain way, they began to imagine possibilities that hadn’t occurred to them before, such as living apart until they could afford it, or stepping into and out of one another’s careers over time.
The Role of Compromise in Relationships
But as Aiden and Zoe started to work through some of their problems and the daughter who left their home to study returned, thoughts turned to compromise. We discussed how healthy compromise works in a relationship: what is a reasonable balance between personal goals and a shared vision?
I brought up romantic relationships and the idea of ‘win-win’ solutions, where both partners come out feeling their needs have been satisfied. In a sense, we opened their minds to creative ways to approach their circumstances. Like what if, for a year, Aiden could pursue music in their hometown while Zoe got established in her career, with the intention to check in again after a year?
Dealing with External Pressures
The second, largely independent of economic standing, has to do with family and friends: they imply a certain set of expectations with regard to ‘what being together means’. And this can be stress-provoking for a young couple’s relationship as well. If they also have children together, they might have to deal with the distressing impact of a separation on the kids.
Together, we crafted communication scripts that helped them set boundaries with well-intentioned but overbearing relatives and friends; together, they worked on how to appear united in public, no matter how they discussed things in private. Aiden and Zoe became each other’s support systems.
The Importance of Self-Care
We were trying to focus on self-care, a concept that I drilled into them every session: the stress of this situation was really wearing on Aiden and Zoe’s psyches and bodies. We tried to develop a mindfulness practice; we hit the gym; we tried to find ways to be close without obsessing.
I encouraged them to turn ‘me first’ into ‘me better,’ reminding them that they will not be good partners if they themselves are not taking care of themselves in the meantime.
Making the Decision
Several months into their therapy, Aiden and Zoe arrived at a place in their work where they both felt a sense of self-knowledge and alignment with who they were. They had also come to know and understand each other much better as well as to rework their relationship into something that felt more balanced and hopeful. They were both willing to continue to engage in couples therapy even after they decided to separate.
After weighing their options, they opted for a long-distance relationship. Aiden would move to Los Angeles in search of musical fame, while Zoe would stay in the hometown to begin working as a lawyer. They promised to do video calls every Sunday, visit each other every month, and re-evaluate the situation after a year.
The Aftermath: Growth and New Challenges
I saw them each individually and as a couple over the next year. Their path wasn’t always easy. They dealt with time zone differences, miscommunication and moments of loneliness. But they also went through significant personal growth and a deepening of their relationship.
Zoe found new zeal in her career, but also new confidence and professional skills that led her to feel better about other parts of her life. Aiden was doing well in the music business as well, having secured a few gigs and collaborations that made him excited about the future.
The absence also gave them a healthier perspective – an appreciation for each other that had become obscured over time – and when they did see each other, their time was unburdened by the prickliness that day-to day stress had cultivated.
The One-Year Mark: A New Chapter
So one year later, when Aiden and Zoe appeared at my office door for their one-year follow-up session, they seemed like entirely different people. Cuddled up on the couch, they slouched toward one another, their arms and legs entwined, clearly proud of having survived a year of long-distance living and learning.
After long debates, they decided that Zoe will go with Aiden to Los Angeles. She has grasped the skills in her workplace and thinks it’s time to move on to a higher level, plus it will be great for them to begin a new life aboard together to pursue their dreams in the same city.
Lessons Learned: Advice for Other Couples
Aiden and Zoe’s journey offers valuable lessons for other couples facing similar challenges:
Communication is key: Open, honest dialogue is crucial when navigating relationship challenges.
Individual growth matters: Pursuing personal goals can strengthen a relationship in the long run.
Flexibility is important: Being open to unconventional solutions can lead to unexpected positive outcomes.
Compromise isn’t about losing: Finding “win-win” solutions ensures both partners feel valued.
Outsiders can’t make a choice for them: Starting with their own vision, couples should do what works for them.
One: it’s about taking care of yourself: Two: it’s about caring for your partner properly: Three: It’s about respect.
External professional help can make a difference: for example, couples counselling can assist couples to develop insights and strategies. Referring to an expert is a good idea and worth the cost.
Conclusion: Love in the Face of Change
They didn’t overcome adversity, nor did they seek professional help specifically – their perseverance and success are a tribute to love, commitments made, and personal change. Aiden and Zoe navigated a common problem – incompatible goals after college – but they’d put in the hard work, spent the money on counselling, and gave themselves and the relationship enough time and effort to eventually find a solution.
Their experience reminds us that relationships are vulnerable, ever-shifting creatures. Couples must constantly tend and care for them, just as they might a garden. As individuals develop and grow, their relationships must too. Through intelligent conversation, nuanced care and compassion, and an enviable imagination in seeking solutions, couples can overcome even the most challenging of circumstances.
It is stories such as Aiden and Zoe’s, though, which keep me going as a therapist – seeing the resilience of the human heart and the emotionally liberating power of love. Not all couples’ journeys will be the same, yet their example can encourage others to cross similarly forked paths.
Finally, remember that there is no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to love and relationships and how you navigate through your own process of growing or not together — it’s entirely situational, contingent upon our individual circumstances, values and goals — but that there can be hope for a gentle and supportive way through as long as we can commit to patience, compassion and, where necessary, professional support.