There was clearly hurt and hostility between Priya and Ethan when they initially came to meet me. It had just come to Priya’s attention that Ethan had been sleeping with a coworker for a few months. His infidelity had wounded her, and she wondered if their marriage would endure after such a betrayal.
Ethan appeared repentant and ashamed, but he was also perplexed as to how things had gotten so out of hand. They were obviously at a loss for words: Priya’s world had been destroyed, and Ethan insisted he still loved his wife and wanted to figure out how to put everything back together.
In my years as a therapist, I have given advice to numerous couples who are struggling with adultery. One of the worst betrayals that may happen in a marriage is having an affair. The betrayed partner feels extremely real and terrible emotions of grief, rage, and loss of self-worth. Simultaneously, the partner who is on the move is frequently equally bewildered and racked with feelings of shame, remorse, and dread of losing their marriage.
Infidelity, in my experience, seldom appears out of the blue; rather, it is nearly usually a sign of more serious underlying problems that have been ignored or evaded over time in the relationship. My job is to work with couples to reestablish communication, empathy, and connection while franky identifying and addressing those underlying issues in a nurturing setting.
My strategy is to gently assist the couple through the phases of recovering from an affair to see whether enough trust, understanding, and goodwill can be rebuilt to give a solid foundation for their marriage going forward. However, there are rarely simple answers in these kinds of circumstances.
For Priya and Ethan, the initial sessions were extremely difficult. In the first few meetings, I simply gave them a safe space to vent their hurt, anger and raw emotions without judgement. Priya recounted the devastating moment she discovered emails and texts revealing Ethan’s unfaithfulness and the crumbling of her belief in their vows and commitment.
Ethan tearfully expressed remorse but struggled to fully articulate how his affair had started or why he had made such selfish choices that betrayed his wife’s trust so profoundly. I worked on establishing boundaries and guidelines so they could share their experiences and feelings in a constructive manner rather than attacking one another.
Once some of the initial shockwaves had settled, we began having more substantive dialogues about what had been lacking or going wrong in their marriage leading up to Ethan’s affair. According to research, some of the most common drivers of infidelity include:
- Lack of emotional and physical intimacy
- Unresolved conflicts or resentments
- Poor communication habits
- Infatuation and feeling a “spark” has faded
- Pursuit of an idealized fantasy
Over time, it became evident that although Priya and Ethan had sincere affection for one another, their marriage had degenerated into a largely platonic, co-parenting arrangement due to their gradual emotional and personal estrangement. Ethan felt starved for passion, romance and feeling desired, while Priya had erected walls to protect herself as their bond eroded. This created a fertile environment for Ethan to develop an inappropriate emotional connection with his coworker that escalated to a physical affair.
With this context, we then worked on re-establishing some of the core intimacy skills that had been lost or deprioritized – being vulnerable, expressing appreciation, rekindling courtship behaviors, improving conflict resolution approaches, and making time for meaningful connection. Using methods like the Gottman Relationship Checkup, PREP and Imago Relationship Therapy models, I gave them tools and exercises to strengthen those muscles again.
An essential component was also rebuilding the shattered trust piece-by-piece through complete radical honesty, transparency and commitment. Trust is the foundational bedrock for any intimate relationship, and once it has been violated, regaining it requires a consistent track record over time of being 100% trustworthy in one’s thoughts, behavior and communications.
I had Priya and Ethan engage in tough exercises like writing lapse narratives around the details of the affair to have everything out in the open. We established accountability measures like Ethan being fully transparent about his devices and workplace interactions. And they each made recommended readings and watched video courses to better understand the intricacies of rebuilding trust and intimacy after infidelity.
Throughout this process, we also had to contend with the understandable trauma response that Priya was experiencing around the affair – she was experiencing symptoms of anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and flashbacks whenever she was triggered by reminders of Ethan’s betrayal. Using techniques from evidence-based practices like EMDR and cognitive processing therapy, I helped her process the hurt so the intrusive thoughts and emotions could begin to subside over time.
While the marriage was teetering due to the monumental breach, there were reasons for cautious optimism. I saw genuine contrition from Ethan and a willingness to engage in the grueling work of taking accountability and changing his behaviors. Priya was less certain at first, but she respected our therapeutic process and was interested to see if her immense pain and anger could potentially be channeled into grieving the loss and rebuilding something new.
After about six months of dedicated work together, they finally reached a pivotal juncture. Priya had to make a excruciating decision – was she willing to give this marriage another try after the devastation of Ethan’s betrayal? Could she extend forgiveness and empathy in hopes of reviving the love and intimacy that had once drawn them together? Or would the breach of trust be too insurmountable and only prolong her agony?
With my support and guidance, she decided to make one last solemn try at repairing the damage. From that point forward, the tenor of our sessions shifted to consciously co-creating a new vision for their relationship dynamic and mutual expectations – one based on lessons learned, restored trust and intentional intimacy.
We crafted relational boundaries, love maps, rituals of connection, and pragmatic action plans to rebuild a sense of teamwork, eroticism and cherishing of one another. They engaged in shared activities, dates and getaways to spark novelty, romance and bonding. I recommended daily exercises and meditations to build closeness. And they worked on improving emotional intelligence, conflict resolution and communication skills together.
The road ahead for Priya and Ethan remains challenging, but I’m inspired by the depth of commitment and mutual care that has developed through the trials they have endured together in therapy. What once seemed like a marriage on the brink of permanent fracture has evolved into an opportunity for deeper understanding, intentionality and potentially a resurgence of the love that can come from conquering existential pain and recognizing a profound appreciation for making the arduous journey together.
While the scars of Ethan’s infidelity may never fully fade, they are living embodiments of the redemptive power of doing the hard inner work to break through resentment, repair severed trust, and potentially co-create an even more authentic, passionate and intimate marriage.
Not all relationships survive the devastation of an affair. But for those where both partners are willing to roll up their sleeves and engage in the painstaking process of confronting core issues, expressing vulnerability and rebuilding a foundation of goodwill – there is the possibility of being reborn anew from the ashes of betrayal.
For Priya, Ethan and myself, that remarkable potential for redemption is what keeps guiding us forward, one courageous step at a time.