Dealing with toxic parents is one of the hardest things a person can experience. The mark it leaves behind is indelible and far-reaching. If you’re an adult in process of learning about the signs because you’re finally considering it a reality, or if you’re someone who’s been dealing with it for years, you’re in the right place – by the end of this article, you’ll have a better idea of what toxic parenting is, how it impacts the adult and some ways in which you can cope and regain control.
The term toxic parenting refers to parental behaviours and attitudes that are consistently destructive to children, often over generations and into adulthood. These behaviours can include manipulation, control, criticism and neglect, along with verbal and emotional abuse. Often, the toxic parent, by the very nature of their toxic behaviours, is ignorant of the damage inflicted, and the destructive patterns continue, spilling into the children’s lives well after the child has left home.
The ramifications of growing up with toxic parents is far-reaching. Adults who were raised in such households often suffer with low self-esteem and challenging relationships, often characterised by feelings of anxiety, depression and a deep sense of not being good enough for anyone. In addition, life is often more challenging because these individuals find it difficult to set healthy boundaries; to trust others; rely on others; or even believe they are sufficiently deserving of the pleasures of life. Understanding how we came to be the way we are is always the first step in learning how to manage difficult relationships with toxic parents.
While working on how to cope with toxic parents, striving to become the best version of oneself is equally important. Here are some strategies:
1. Set Boundaries Everyone, including you, deserves to have their personal space and certain limits. The inability to set boundaries is one of the major challenges that children of toxic parents often grapple with. Setting a boundary means drawing a line in the sand, marking clearly what you will and will not tolerate. It is about communicating your limits to your parents, and this should be done in an assertive manner.
2. Seek The Help Of A Therapist The emotional damage that comes from being raised by toxic parents can be huge. Often, children of toxic parents grow up having deep-seated issues with relationships, intimacy and so on. Meeting with a therapist can help you work through these issues, equipping you with the tools you need in order to become your best self.
3. Limit Contact Limiting contact will help you take control. This does not necessarily mean cutting ties with your toxic parents, but it does mean reducing your exposure. For example, you can’t possibly have anything to do with a toxic mother that comes visiting or calls you at home but, if you can limit her entry into your home to once in two months, that is a huge step in the right direction.
4. Build A Support System A good support system is critical for good mental health. Children of toxic parents find it hard to reach out and confide in others such as friends, relatives or support groups. Build a good support group and surround yourself with people that you can confide in.
5. Take Care Of Yourself Spend time resting, reading, meditating or pursuing a hobby that will help you relax and recuperate.
Empowerment in toxic family dynamics is about taking back your inner agency and sense of self-worth. Here are some strategies to empower yourself:
1. Take back control over your own feelings of happiness and self-worth Toxic parents often cultivate an attitude of gaslighting or blaming their kids for their own irresponsibility. A foundational step to take in empowering yourself is to recognise that YOUR feelings of happiness and self-worth are your responsibility. Start by engaging in some daily affirmations about your worth and the things that you’ve accomplished.
2. Develop your assertiveness skills Assertiveness refers to the set of skills that allows you to express your feelings, opinions, emotions and needs without the fear of negative consequences or judgment from others. Therefore, one way to do this is to practise asserting your boundaries and rights. If parents are toxic, then they have done a good job of convincing their children that they ‘have to put up with it’. However, this is simply not true, and practising assertiveness is a great way to overturn this dynamic in your own life.
3. Learn to reflect upon your experiences Reflect upon how your toxic family gave rise to certain patterns of behaviour in yourself. Having knowledge about these patterns will allow you to break the cycle of replaying them in your relationships, and avoid making the same mistakes your parents did.
4. Learn how to visualise a better future You’ll be amazed at how much more energised you’ll feel if you learn to envision a better future for yourself. Setting small goals for yourself, and envisioning how you’d like your life to be in say, a year’s time, is a great way to motivate yourself. Visualising yourself thriving in a space where you feel autonomous and self-sufficient will give you the right mental pictures to strive towards it.
5. Learn to forgive (not forget) As a form of empowerment, forgiveness is powerful; but forgiveness does not mean excusing toxic parental behaviour toward you. Rather, it is a way of letting go of the hate and negative feelings you once had because you felt so wronged, so demeaned and so ruined. By forgiving, you save yourself from feeling stuck in anger and resentment – freeing you to move on and develop new positive patterns of behaviour towards others.
6. Stay up-to-date – update your strategies and coping mechanisms In order to empower yourself, it’s important to remain educated about what toxic parenting entails so that you can continuously adapt to new ways to deal with it.
Toxic parental relationships can cast long shadows over one’s life, but understanding how to deal with toxic parents can help illuminate a path to healing and growth. By setting boundaries, seeking support, and empowering yourself, you can reclaim control and foster a more positive and fulfilling life. Remember, the journey may be challenging, but your well-being is worth every step. Empower yourself with knowledge, strive for personal growth, and take the reins of your happiness.